


I'm still here

by SimplyRali



Category: Halt and Catch Fire
Genre: Depression, F/M, Family, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Love, OTP Feels, Post-Canon, Sadness, death anniversary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 17:08:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18450947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyRali/pseuds/SimplyRali
Summary: It's Gordon's death anniversary and Joe's having a hard time.





	I'm still here

After the last student had pushed his way through the door to begin the weekend, Joe sighed heavily, and his shoulders slumped, just a little. The smile that had been on his lips minutes ago was now gone. He stared at the closed door, his face tired and motionless. His eyes darkened, clouding with sadness.

He quietly collected his books and packed up a few papers to grade at home. Joe could hear the children’s laughter down the hallway, the joyful sound mocking him cruelly. But soon enough, just like everything else in his life, the laughter slowly faded away.

Taking his briefcase, Joe headed back to his empty apartment. The same empty apartment that he had been calling home for the last two years.

Half an hour later, Joe unlocked his front door, pushing it open. The darkness that greeted him only added to the heaviness in his chest. He wondered why he had driven so fast on his way back, he wasn’t really in a hurry, there was no one waiting for him.

Most of the days he didn’t mind being alone, he had been alone his whole life. But tonight was different. Tonight he could really use someone to talk to.

Today was the anniversary. _His_ anniversary. The day Gordon died.

It’s been two years now.

The first anniversary hadn’t been so bad. At the time, he was still numb from what had happened. Everything in his life had fallen apart and he had needed to figure out a way to keep himself afloat. Joe had made sure to keep himself busy – new place, new job, new people.

Now, the second anniversary was much harder. The original shock from the death was gone, no longer buffering his pain. The reality of the loss had settled in. Joe would have liked to talk to someone about it, but he realized there was no one he could talk to. Not anymore.  

Joe slipped off his blazer and threw it on the couch. He made his way to the bathroom, unbuttoning the neck of his shirt. Rolling up his sleeves, Joe splashed some water on his face and looked into the mirror.

How did his life become so empty? Two years ago he had everything – Gordon, Cameron, Haley, Comet. . . He had a family.

_What went wrong?_

Joe turned off the faucet and the stream came to a stop, with a few drops of water clinging to the faucet.

He missed him. He missed Cameron. He missed Haley.

He missed his old life.

Turning off the lights, Joe went into the living room.

He wondered if anything he did really made much difference at all. He did love teaching but a part of his heart always looked at the past, comparing every passing moment to the memories, and with that reliving them over and over again. Joe felt like he was stuck in a bubble, numb to the outside world. Life was going with full force around him and he was missing out, letting everything pass him by. He was just a shell operating on a set routine, work, home. . . There was no spark.

There was nothing that could excite him anymore, to bring him back to life. And what was the point anyway? He had lost not only his partner and best friend, but he had also lost everyone, and most importantly, somewhere along the way, he had lost a piece of himself. 

God, he would give up everything just to have one last conversation with Gordon.

Joe took a deep breath to clear the lump out of his throat and sat on the couch, leaning forward, his head in his hands. His closed eyes stung with unshed tears.

He felt so alone. So lost.

“I miss you,” he whispered. The words hang in front of him as if mocking him for saying them out loud.

A light knock disturbed the silence in the room. Joe slowly lifted his head up, looking at the front door.

He waited a few moments, staring at the wooden surface. Nothing.

The sound had been so faint that for a second Joe thought he had imagined it but soon enough three sharp knocks followed. They cut through the silence in the room, making him jump a little.

Swallowing thickly, Joe tried to compose himself. Running a hand through his hair, he straightened his back.

With a few long strides, Joe crossed the room. He was almost in front of the door when the persistent knocking resumed, this time with even more force. Annoyed, he unlocked the door and swung it open abruptly.

What he saw on the other side knocked the wind out of his lungs, sending a jolt through his entire body, paralyzing him.

Cameron.

She stared back, obviously a little startled by his abrupt move. Her hand, raised in a mid-knock, slowly fell down to her side.

“Hi, Joe.”

His name rolled off her tongue and he felt like someone had slapped him in the face. His heart clenched painfully, reminding him of all the pain she had caused him when she had walked away. But her voice. . . god, how he had missed her voice.

“Why are you here?” Joe asked with a clenched jaw, trying hard to keep his mask in place. The words sounded hostile even to his ears. But he would be damned if he let her see him so weak.

Joe saw her clenching her own jaw as if she was preparing herself for a fight, getting into a defense mode. Her eyes searched his for a few moments. Joe didn’t know what she saw in them but soon the tension in her shoulders drained. Her eyes softened, filling with sadness and love.

“I came to see you,” she said quietly, almost hesitantly.

_What was she saying?_

Silence settled between them, only the sound of his own heart thundering in his ears.

“Why the sudden change of heart, Cam?” He tried to sound cold, he really tried. But the gentleness with which he had said her name betrayed him cruelly. She had broken him, he was sure. Even though she deserved it, he was unable to hate her. Not her. . .  Never her.

“Come on, Joe. It’s been more than a year. . . I’ve traveled nearly 3000 miles. Let’s talk.”

Joe looked at her, really looked at her. He was trying so hard to read her expression.

“I even brought wine,” Cam said and raised the bottle she was holding the whole time.

He continued to search her blue eyes for a few more moments. She stared back patiently, waiting for his decision.

Finally, he nodded and stepped aside to let her in. The moment she passed by him, her scent twirled around him, clouding his mind with memories. A picture emerged before his eyes, bright and clear. He saw her coming home to their apartment in SF after spending the day at the trailer, wrapping her hands around his neck and pressing their lips together. Joe closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, both hurt and comforted by the cherished memory.

Closing the door after her, he heard her speak behind him.

“You have a nice place. It looks smaller than your last condo, though.”

“That’s because it is,” Joe moved closer, eyes on her, following her every movement. “How did you get my address?”

Cameron gave him a look as if asking ‘Really?’ “Haley.”

“What if I wasn’t alone?”

“She told me there’s no one.”

“I could have lied.”

“We both know you’d never lie to Haley,” she said, locking their eyes. She was trying to communicate something but he didn’t know what, or rather, he was afraid to find out.

What was she saying? Why would she ask Haley is he was single? Why would she ask for his address? Why today? What was her game?

“Here,” she pushed the bottle into his hands, interrupting his thoughts. “The lady at the store said it was good.”

Taking it, Joe twisted the bottle in his hands and looked at the label. Nodding, he went to pour them a glass.

Using the time, Cameron turned around and continued her exploration of his living room, successfully avoiding his piercing gaze.

“It’s Friday night. You weren’t at work?” Joe asked, having already learned about Phoenix from Haley’s letters.

“I took a few days off. Plus, Donna’s gone. She and the girls went on a camping trip,” Cam replied while running fingers through his book collection.

Joe moved closer to her, holding a glass in each hand. “I know. Haley mentioned it,” he said, handing her one of the glasses. “Gordon liked camping.”

“Yeah,” she said, biting her lower lip and looking thoughtful for a second.

They took a sip, his eyes watching her over the rim of the glass. The heaviness in his chest was suffocating.

He wanted to know.

“Tell me, Cam, why are you really here?” He asked, looking at her with pained eyes.

It took her a few seconds to reply as if she was choosing her words carefully.  

“Figured you could use some company, that we both could use some company. . .” She said finally, with eyes as haunted as his, and he felt his throat closing. ”I didn’t want you to be alone today.”

Joe blinked rapidly to suppress the wave of emotion, turning his face away from her. She knew him better than anyone else, he realized. They had always understood each other.

_She had come to see him._

His shoulders began to tremble.

 “Joe. . .”

He felt her cool hand first on his shoulder, then on his cheek. Cameron slowly turned his head until she appeared in his line of vision again, although now, her face was blurry because of the moisture in his eyes.

“I’m still here,” she whispered, coming closer, her lips just a breath away from his.

_You’re not alone._

 “Always.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!!! ;)


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